primary colors and Vegas hair
Daily Sparks Tribune
me, beat me, make me write bad checks."
song by Betty J. Barbano, 1941-2005
call the Committee to Aid Abused Women. Nevada girls apparently love
being on the receiving end.
How else can you explain
why some 100,000 Nevada females voted to make Las Vegas Republican Congressman
John Ensign into a U.S. senator?
Mr. Ensign veritably
flaunts his membership in Promise Keepers, the male supremacy cult founded
by former University of Colorado football coach Bill McCartney.
They hold guys-only,
mass-male-bonding rites in football stadiums. I would guess that their
team colors are black and blue. The proper poster for such an outfit
was developed back in the '60s: a fist sticking out of a zipper captioned
"power to the penis."
At least the poster
was a put-on. Ensign and Promise Keepers are not.
Some women apparently
want to be stomped on, emotionally and otherwise. Some might even agree
with that ultimate male chauvinist pig, the ever-cute Sean Connery.
The erstwhile James Bond reportedly said that women need to be slapped
around every once in awhile.
He was just kidding,
he later noted. Who am I to doubt the word of the British Secret Service?
Last Tuesday's vote
provided vindication of the Connery standard. If ever an election was
decided on co-dependency and cosmetics, this was it.
The stalwarts in the
Biggest Little Newsroom in Sparks will attest to my correct prediction
in late October that Las Vegas Mayor Jan Jones, D, would lose her second
bid for governor.
I rushed into the Tribune
office having seen the sign in the sky. Well, at least it reached for
the sky at the corner of Victorian "B" Street and Rock Blvd., next to
a laundromat ironically (see below) once owned by late Reno Mayor Roy
This billboard showed
her honor in typical Las Vegas heroic posture, puffy hair and expensive
clothes. Instead of red, white and blue, the Jones sign was decked out
in red, white and lavendar.
Nobody gets elected
governor of this yahoo state using lavendar. High-hair or not, Jan Jones
was toast before the poster paste dried.
In contrast, Rep. Ensign
used macho colors and combed his 'do in typical Vegas high-style. The
LV cut was foreshadowed by Ronald Reagan, pioneered by Elvis and refined
by Wayne Newton. It is sacred in Gomorrah South.
I have incontrovertible
evidence that women voted for Ensign because of his hair. U.S. Sen.
Harry Reid (D-Nev.), who beat Ensign by a whopping 401 votes, gave me
the proof. On his main campaign brochure, Reid's hair had been computer-doctored
to look high and gray, like St. Paul Laxalt's.
Harry Reid is a natural
blonde. He's got graying, thinning, wispy hair, but not on his brochure.
He knew that he had to appear high-haired to be competitive like the
anointed of casinos, Kenny Guinn.
hair spray lasted just long enough in the heat of battle. His first
name may just have provided his razor-thin margin of victory.
BODY OF EVIDENCE.
For those who would seek political advantage in the future, your model
in macho Nevada is not Minnesota Gov.-elect Jesse "The Mind & Body"
Ventura. Copy Lyle Lovett, or maybe Kramer from the Seinfeld show. High
hair is the ticket to high office here in the High Desert Outback of
the American Dream. Bald guys like Jesse The Upset Stomach need not
While many women say
they find British actor Patrick Stewart an absolute turn-on as Star
Trek's Capt. Jean-Luc Picard, remember that cue-balls have rarely been
elected president. John Quincy Adams won 174 years ago. Dwight Eisenhower
had a wisp of fuzz remaining in 1952.
Sens. John Glenn, D-Ohio,
and Alan Cranston, D-Calif., learned that lesson the hard way when each
ran topless for the top job. Knowing that political viability varies
inversely with scalp visibility, Sen. Joe Biden, D-Del., long ago underwent
a painful hair transplant.
Which is why Jan Jones
initially scared the bejabbers out of Kenny Guinn. She had the properly-Vegas
female version of high hair. It made her competitive early on, until
she ran into the buzzsaw of 100,000 Promise Keeper groupies brought
to the polls by cutesy John Ensign. They apparently loved Kenny's avuncular
car-salesman cut and, like the men they stand by, loathe lily-livered
Should Jones ever run
again, she should either hire Wayne Newton's stylist, or just wear a
black and blue baseball cap.
THE CITY HALL GRAVEYARD.
Her honor was the fifth Nevada mayor to lose statewide in the past three
decades. Starting with the late laundromat owner and Reno Mayor Roy
Bankofier, who ran unsuccessfully for state treasurer in 1970, mayors
are batting 0-for-9. While Sparks mayor, Jim Spoo ran for congress in
1988. Former LV Mayor Bill Briare ran for light-guv in 1994. Former
Reno Mayor Pete Sferrazza scored a dubious hat trick. He lost twice
for congress and once for state controller. Holding local office just
creates too many enemies. If anyone can find me someone
who went from mayor to statewide winner, please let me know. I've
struck out so far.
NO PAIN, NO ROGAINE.
Opposing his re-election in 2000, balding U.S. Sen. Richard Bryan, D-Nev.,
will face off with either Mr. Ensign or the equally hirsute Rep. Jim
Gibbons, R-Nev. Sen. Dickie, call your pharmacist.
SMOKING THE OPPOSITION.
Dan Rusnak of Laborers Union Local 169 called with a shocking observation:
pot is apparently more popular than the new governor. The medical marijuana
initiative outpolled GOP Gov.-elect Guinn by some 17,000 votes. In contested
races, only Secretary of State Dean Heller and State Treasurer-elect
Brian Krolicki bested the pot onslaught. Neither had Democratic opposition.
SO WHAT ELSE IS
NEW? "Politics has become so expensive that it takes a lot of money
even to be defeated." So said the late, great Will Rogers many decades
'Twas ever thus.
Be well. Raise hell.
Copyright © 1998, 2010
Barbano is a member of CWA Local 9413. He is a Reno-based syndicated
columnist, a 30-year Nevadan, editor of U-News
and was campaign manager for Democratic
candidate for Governor, State Senator Joe Neal.
Barbwire by Barbano
has appeared in the Sparks Tribune since 1988 and parts of this column
were originally published 11/8/98.